Thankful.

Today it’s been a month.  Feels like just yesterday, but also ages ago, that our good boy was relieved from the suffering and went off to the Rainbow Bridge.

I’ve said it before, but through all the terribleness that is loosing a dog, I’ve never been so thankful for support in my life.  It sounds silly, (and if you don’t know this type of loss, I don’t quite expect you to understand– I didn’t get in until recently) but Knox was a part of me that is now gone.  I’m sure it will change and morph into some other love, at some point.  But damn, love hurts.

It just so happens that last night I went out for a few drinks with two good friends who I’ve come to know through all this rescue and dog non-sense (joke…that was a joke).  They are just two of the many people who have shared love, kindness, and support to us through this icky time.

 Look at all the love and support we’ve received through good old US Postal mail.

Just a sample of all the love and support we received through US Postal mail

After some catching up and a few drinks, the friends gave me this adorable little box.

Inside the box, was a necklace.  Not just any necklace.  A special necklace.

It was engraved especially for Knox.  They picked out three words.  They could not have picked three better words.

Happiness

Love

Loyalty

As my eyes started to well with tears (for the record, I don’t cry very often, and haven’t cried much in the past few weeks at all), they told me to turn the necklace over.

Well then I really lost it.  Those are the Coldplay lyrics that I posted on the facebook page moments after Knox left this world.  It was the song I cried my eyes out to, blubbering like a baby on my drive home from work, the Thursday before I knew we were going to end his suffering (the line quoted above – I wanted to be there when he left this world, when my saint, Knox, went marching…) I don’t know what it is about that song.  I know it had no intention of being about a girl who lost her dog…but man, does it hit home for me.

Take a listen… think of my Knox…and incase you’d like to read along, here are the lyrics:

Oh morning come bursting, the clouds, Amen.

Lift off this blindfold, let me see again

And bring back the water, let your ships roll in.

In my heart she left a hole

The tightrope that I’m walking just sways and ties

The devil as he’s talking with those angel’s eyes

And I just want to be there when the lightning strikes

And the saints go marching in

And sing slow-ow-ow-ow  it down

Through chaos as it swirls

It’ us against the world

Like a river to a raindrop, I lost a friend

My drunken as a Daniel in a lion’s den

And tonight I know it all has to begin again

So whatever you do, don’t let go

And if we could float away

Fly up to the surface and just start again

And lift off before trouble

Just erodes us in the rain (x3)

Sing slow-ow-ow-ow it down

Oh Slow-ow-ow-ow it down

Through chaos as it swirls

It’s just us against the world

Through chaos as it swirls

It’s us against the world

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38 thoughts on “Thankful.

  1. Got me too. May God Bless you and Comfort you. May He bring you another soul that needs as much love as Knox did and one that can give you as much love back.

  2. I really need to stop reading certain blog posts at work…and save them for when I’m at homeand it doesnt matter if the tears are streaming down my face. My heart still breaks for you over the loss of Knox, and also over my own pet losses over the years. I get it, I really do, as so many of us who’ve experienced that loss understand. I’m going to listen to the cold play lyrics later…thinking of house you journey through this pain. It does get better~

  3. i’m sitting here with tears in my eyes knowing exactly how you feel having lost my pittie baby only 7 short months ago. what a beautiful gift you have been given in the necklace, but even more so the love you were blessed to share with knox. i miss my boy every day and it does get better, but like you said, love really hurts. i am so grateful that i had the chance to love my boy and i know you feel the same about knox. hugs to you 🙂

  4. Oh, so, so touching. The gift is wonderful, the song meaningful (I’d not heard it before), and the continuation of Knox’s and your story is sweetly wrenching.

    P.S. It does get easier, believe it or not, but there always remains a twinge of something (pain, regret, longing?) every now and then — but that’s fitting, considering how much we love them.

  5. You have been on my mind alot since your loss of Knox. Although I don’t know you at all the loss of beloved pets binds all of us together who love dogs and offer us so much unconditional love. Your loss will not always feel like a brick on your heart, it will with time get easier to remember. There will always be moments though when the loss catches you off guard. My heart breaks for you. If I lived closer I would lone you my sweet little girl Maggie, she has helped to heal my heart twice in the past year. Take care.

  6. Such a wonderful, touching, caring gift. Music truly is the best way to heal in my opinion. It’s always there. Everytime you hear that song, you hear your boy and remember all the wonderful times he had in your life. It will always be Knox’s song to you and that is something so special that no one can take away. My favorite song lyric of all time came from the great Bob Marley. “One good thing about music is when it hits you, you feel no pain”. I hope your special song brings you warmth and comfort.

  7. What a gorgeous gift and beautiful song! This makes me thing of a line from the play/film, Rabbit Hole, where a mother and daughter are discussing what it’s like to lose a child, and the following scene ensues (it’s long, but bear with me!):

    Becca (Nicole Kidman) has been numb with grief since Danny, her 4-year-old, was killed by a car. Now, eight months later, her mother, Nat (Dianne Wiest) — whose son, Becca’s brother, died at 30 — is helping Becca to put away, finally, the little boy’s things.

    Becca and Nat carry the milk crates of Danny’s stuff down to the basement, and put them in the corner with a few other things Becca has put aside.

    Becca stands there, taking it in. Danny’s been reduced to a small corner of stuff in the basement. She lets out a breath, then turns to her mother.

    BECCA: Does it ever go away?

    NAT: What.

    BECCA: This feeling.

    They lock eyes. Nat can see she actually wants an answer. Maybe for the first time ever.

    NAT: No. I don’t think it does. Not for me, it hasn’t. And that’s goin’ on 11 years.

    (Beat)

    It changes, though.

    BECCA: How?

    NAt: I don’t know. The weight of it, I guess. At some point it becomes bearable. It turns into something you can crawl out from under, and carry around — like a brick in your pocket. And you forget it every once in a while, but then you reach in for whatever reason and there it is: “Oh, right. That.” Which can be awful. But not all the time. Sometimes it’s kinda … not that you like it exactly, but it’s what you have instead of your son, so you don’t wanna let go of it either. So you carry it around. And it doesn’t go away, which is …

    BECCA: What.

    NAT: Fine … actually.

    They’re silent for a couple of beats. Becca nods a little. Nat turns and heads up the basement steps.

    For me, this idea of the weight of loss being something you carry around like a brick in your pocket really resonated. I hope it brings you some comfort too.

  8. Just read this and See You Soon by Coldplay came on my Pandora as I was about to comment. I guess Knox isn’t just watching over you, he’s got his eyes (and ears) on all of us. 🙂

  9. That is such a wonderful necklace. Sometimes something to hold in your hand (or wear) really helps. I’ve thought of you (and Knox) and wondered how you were doing. Thank you for the update. Here’s a little Friday gift for you: I’ve been to Volunteer Orientation and Part One of Dog Handling at BARCS. Your letters to Knox got me off my lazy, procrastinating butt and out the door. Now I think of Knox as a Jiminy Cricket on my shoulder telling me to keep going back, I hope you don’t mind me borrowing him. Part Two of Dog Handling is scheduled but I think I’m going to volunteer to do laundry, dishes, and filing until I feel more comfortable with the set up. I hope this weekend treats you well.

  10. What an incredible way to carry Knox with you always! That is a great necklace. In college the family dog unexpectedly died when I was home on break. At the time I worked as a doggy day camp counselor. Jesse came to work with me one day, died on my day off, then I had to be back at work without her the next day. Spending that day surrounded by dogs who wanted to be held and loved on was the most comforting thing I could imagine. I’m so glad you guys have had some pups needing you this month too!

  11. Ah Jess, you got to me again, girl! I feel your pain and just wish I could make it all better. Dogs do make us better people…we often don’t realize that they play such an important role in shaping our ideas and beliefs but the do change us! Here’s to Knox and all those other pitties who make us better!!

  12. You have my heartfelt sympathy. Two years ago, a guy and I broke up after two years of long-distance dating. The hardest part of the break-up: We adopted four dogs together–and three stayed with him. I knew I’d never see them again. Yesterday, I found out that the first dog we adopted–a tiny pit/Rottweiler mix we named Bella–was put down in June 2011 because she kept having seizures/strokes that couldn’t be remedied. It’s been three years since I had Bella in my lap, but I wept yesterday because I lost her all over again. Hopefully, she and Knox and having a fine time at Rainbow Bridge–I’m sure she’s showing him the ropes. That’s the kind of dog Bella was.

  13. My heart has been breaking for you since I first heard the news. You are handling it with grace and courage that I think awes all your readers 🙂 I love that necklace to … Nothing like a big-blocky headed silhouette to be a fitting memorial for him.

  14. What a beautiful post…It is amazing that in addition to the joy dogs bring us, they also open up our circle to include wonderful friends. I will never be able to listen to Coldplay without thinking of your boY!

    -Jennifer

  15. I can’t help but get teary with your posts about Knox…he was so loved; such a good boy. What a wonderful and thoughtful gift from your friends.

    Stay strong!

    ~ L.

  16. Oh man, these posts are tough to read, even for a stone-hearted guy like me. Coldplay is also a classic “ugly cry” inducing group…I’m not a huge fan, but it’s like every single song evokes some strong emotional response. I made a video for my wife featuring our dog as his Christmas gift for her and I set the slideshow to “Yellow”. I must have watched the whole thing dozens of times to get the editing right and I STILL had trouble watching it when Teddy and I presented it to her. She, of course, was a wreck, so mission: accomplished.

    Glad you’re making it through with help from friends.

  17. Goodness this was touching! Love the gift, love that your friends know you and your boy so well. Support is so important.

    Had to share, after I lost my dog a few years ago the Coldplay song Kingdom Come would crush me. So of course I had to listen to it over and over and over. To make it even harder on myself, I imagined Max (the dog I’d lost) singing it to me. I was listening to it in the car, crying hysterically and got pulled over for DRIVING TOO SLOW. I had sweats on, slippers and couldn’t pull it together. The cop had recently lost a dog and was so kind to crazy me. If Coldplay only knew!

  18. wow that was so beautful and wow …now IM crying and blubbering like a baby trying to explain to my husband the lyrics….
    i know exactly the pain you are feeling
    i miss my fearless five every minute of everyday

    sandra
    mommish of the pittie pack

  19. I am so thankful that your friends gave this gift to you. I have since then, ordered my own, with Peace, Love, Pitbulls on one side, and the names of my loves on the back. Baby, Bella, Kai, and Knuckles!! I have been looking for a necklace like this for awhile now but could never find any that donated some of the proceeds to charity like this one does!! Thank you so much for sharing in your time of loss!!

  20. Pingback: Two years ago… | Pittieful Love

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